Black Friday momma

Wednesday night I called Mom. She's 73 and a bit loopy (not due to age - she's always been that way). She told me she read that a few stores would be having big sales the day after Thanksgiving. Um, Mom, they all do that. Every year. Like, um, everyone knows, it's no secret. Then she said she might pop into Wal-Mart on Friday. Um, Mom, it will be a madhouse. Insane. Don't go. So she says she'll go early. Sigh. Mom, *everyone* goes early. Real early. Like they line up before the joint opens so they can save $50 on something that will be sold at near that price before Christmas somewhere else anyway where you don't have to spend several precious hours of your life at a store to get it. She wasn't even looking for a big-ticket bargain - she was probably going to buy milk or something.

So I called her today, and she said she went to Wal-Mart at 7 a.m. Friday and the place was packed. No, really? She didn't buy anything that was on the special sale, but she did find a few things she wanted (that she could've bought without being a Black Friday doorbuster). So she wasn't dissatisfied with the trip, but she is still loopy. Moms are funny.

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If only I could pay bills with stick-figure drawings...

If this story is true, it's pretty awesome. A man tried to pay his utility bill with a drawing of a spider. Not even a good one, not framed and matted, oh no - it was sent via email. Here's the story.

The kicker is that someone then sold the drawing on eBay for $15,000! I'm sure some yahoos thought they were being funny bidding up the cost, so it remains to be seen if any cheddar actually gets handed over.

The guy who won says he "was just having a laugh" and doesn't intend to pay up. Who's sadder - the guy who tormented some poor utility company employee with repeated emails trying to pay their bill with a spider drawing, or the total loser who gets his jollies making false bids on moronic eBay auctions? I'll vote for the eBay loser. At least the guy who did the original drawing exhibited a real sense of humor and did something more taxing and creative than placing a bid on eBay. He did drag the emails out a bit and may have made some poor employee want to bang her head into the desk, but he never got cruel or abusive - just a little annoying to her I imagine. Or maybe he even made her laugh, who knows? He surely gave her something to share at that water cooler.

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Jude Law's still hot, no matter what MSN says

MSN has an article called "Sunken Dreamboats" about how some former hunks are looking worse for the wear. I think it's a bit mean ... but I couldn't resist clicking on the link! Mainly because one of the three men in the main picture looked like someone I'd never seen before. Turns out it was Mickey Rourke (far left in pic below)! Yikes! He's the Titanic and everyone is rushing for the lifeboats!



Of course, with some of the guys, the "after" picture is a police mug shot when they were drunk/stoned or whatever, or some other carefully selected really bad pic. I hotly contest the claim that Jude Law isn't looking so good; they used a bad photo is all, and he still doesn't look exactly dog-faced in that! Me still likey!

But I do have one question: Exactly when did Val Kilmer (far right above) turn into Beau Bridges (right)?!

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Trying to call Wal-Mart about online orders?

I just placed an order at the Web site and noticed a billing error. When I tried to find a customer service number, there wasn't one listed. I Googled it, and according to various articles, Wal-Mart has removed its customer service number for online orders, and you can only email for assistance. I think that's pretty craptacular, so I dug around and found a number. I just called, and it works fine. The automated menus are a bit confusing, as it sounded like I was making a selection to get another automated menu, when it actually took me to a real live person. Success! Here's the info I found online about how to reach Wally World.com:

To reach the Contact Center of Wal-Mart Stores, call 1-800-WALMART (1-800-925-6278), from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. (CT) Monday - Friday, from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. (CT) Saturday or from 12 p.m. to 6 p.m. (CT) Sunday.

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Axl's new album rocks last fan who still gives a s***

Somewhere out there, some dude clinging to '80s memories of hair bands and Headbangers' Ball actually cares that Guns N' Roses has a new album out. He doesn't mind that GNR as he knew it is now really just Axl Rose (the only remaining original member); he doesn't care that the album took 15 years and $13 million to create yet isn't "the greatest rock album ever made" (what one reviewer said it needed to be to impress after all that time and money); he's not turned off because the rocker that once oozed a dangerous, bad-boy sex appeal (apart from god knows what else he's oozed over the years) now looks like some bloated middle-aged dad who likes to embarrass the kids with a garage band and hairstyle copied from Bo Derek in "10."

Oh no. "Chinese Democracy" breaks like a wave of righteous rock freedom over the lone fan, out there somewhere with his worn-out cassette of "Appetite for Destruction" clutched in a studded leather-gloved hand, bandanna-bound head turned toward the horizon with hope restored in humanity.

I, however, can't relate to this fan. Sure, I remember the thrill of hearing "Welcome to the Jungle" in 1987. I was a teen in a small town, and that song seemed to kick my teeth in and shine into my gaping maw the light of what seemed an immensely harsher, cooler world than anything I'd ever known. That song still rocks, and still evokes images of the video with Axl shaking his skinny ass on stage with the teased-out hair and lipstick of a million anonymous glam rockers, but seeming to have something more to say, something more underneath than any of the rest. It turns out what lay beneath was a big steaming pile of ego, but hey, at least he churned out some hella good music before the stench got overwhelming.

I haven't heard the new album. I'm not overly interested in it and won't be lining up with whatever fans remain to get the album at Best Buy, the sole spot to pick up this would-be masterpiece. Maybe I'll go back and listen to "Appetite for Destruction" and remember the good ol' days, back when Axl was a hot rock star instead of some guy who just doesn't seem as cool as I thought he was when I was in high school.

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Stuff White People Like

I just heard about the Web site called Stuff White People Like. It's pretty funny and slightly edgy (are we supposed to make fun of race, even if targets middle-class white posers? Ooh, naughty naughty). It has even spawned a best-selling book of the same title. I must say, though, on the post about hummus, that I not only like humus but I've seen non-white friends eat it, too. But then again, I was the one who ordered the hummus appetizer. Were they just being polite? Am I the only one who truly enjoyed the toasted pita and the tangy chickpea concoction? Or maybe, just maybe, I should not worry about it and simply enjoy the site - and my hummus - and leave it at that. Sounds like a plan.

Just for funsies, here's a taste (haha) of what the site says about hummus:

All white people like hummus. In fact, if you find a white person who does not like hummus then they probably just haven’t tasted it or they are the wrong kind of white person. In either case, they are probably not someone that you want to know.

Putting out a plate of hummus and pita makes white people very comfortable. It reminds them of home since at any given time a white person has hummus in their fridge. Even the most barren white refrigerator will have a package of the stuff next to an empty Brita filter.

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Are ducks REALLY experts on cleaning the loo?

Today I rolled up my sleeves, lifted the seat and "injected" a gooey blue glob that looked like gummy candy near the inside rim of my toilet bowl. I'll try anything that might cut down housework (which cuts into my wasting time on the Internet). It's called Toilet Duck Fresh Discs, and it consists of a thick gel in a kind of huge syringe you squeeze into your toilet. It's supposed to be more sanitary than hanging some king of freshener inside the bowl. I'm a little iffy on the hygiene of finding a place to store the syringe you just stuck in the toilet, but it does come with a lid -- and I stuck the whole thing back in the original box, too.

Want to see it in action? Here's the ad clip.

We'll see how it works; it looks like I'm not the only one who's wondered about this. Based on this chat online, I may be in for a bit of nastiness trying to clean off the glob. If only I could get that industrious little duck from the ad to come do the toilets. I could feed him in bread crumbs.

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Kickin' it with Sex and the City

Yes, I've seen all the episodes more than once, but they still make me laugh and give an odd sense of comfort for awhile. My husband always likes to point out "We've seen this one." Um, yes, we've seen them all (at least I have). Funny how he doesn't mind watching The Simpsons episodes over and over.

But tonight he wasn't home and I could gleefully watch without his incredulous presence mocking me. In honor of the continued good times delivered by my favorite gal-pal show, here are some great lines from a rerun I re-watched tonight:

Season 4, Episode 10: Belles of the Balls

The set up: Big joined Carrie at Aidan's country house to cry on her shoulder over a lost love. He and Aidan end up fighting in the mud.

Carrie: "Stop it! You're middle-aged!"

Big: "Ow! That dog just bit my ass!" (as Petie ends the fight with a well-placed chomp)

You can watch the clip in question on YouTube.

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Alanis rocks that junk inside that trunk

Ok, this is a bit of an oldie, but still a goody. Alanis Morissette lent her special treatment - and sense of humor - to "My Humps" by Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas (made last year I think). I love Alanis so much, if for no other reason than singing the angry-chick anthem "You Oughta Know" at karaoke nights has brought me so much pleasure over the years.

That deep, intense treatment given to "My Humps" - lyrics that were never meant to be listened to all that closely - is hilarious. And for a second here and there, she even makes the song seem like it has hidden depths. Granted, those depths are hidden deep beneath lines like "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk." But it seems like an introspection-inspiring, probing question the way Alanis sings it.

Girl has talent AND a sense of humor. Gotta love that. Go on, Alanis, you had me at "my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps." Check out the video below.

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The dark side of Ferris Bueller

What if "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" were a dark, introspective drama rather than a comedy? You never wondered? Well someone did, and re-cut some scenes with pensive music to make a trailer for "Requiem for a Day Off." Good stuff. Cheers to the good folks at PopWatch Blog for bringing it to my attention as their clip du jour.

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How far we've come since When We Were Kings

Last night I watched the outstanding Oscar-winning documentary "When We Were Kings," which follows Muhammad Ali as he takes on the much younger heavyweight champ George Foreman in Zaire. What an amazing film, and it highlights how far we as a nation have come in 34 years.

In 1974 Ali was exuberant to be going to Africa for the fight, to ride on a plane piloted by black men, to feel freedom for the first time, as he put it. While the country they were going to was not exactly free itself as it was ruled by a dictator's heavy, bloody hand, Ali was excited and hopeful for a world of new possibilities and his chance to be a positive role model to black children.

And that's the story the movie tells more than the story of a boxing match. It's a story of hope and strength of the spirit and overcoming adversity. The fight was in 1974 (the documentary wasn't compiled and interlaced with new interviews of people discussing the importance of the fight until 1996). The time the fight took place wasn't too long after key events in the Civil Rights movement; it wasn't too long after Martin Luther King Jr., JFK, Bobby Kennedy and Malcolm X were assassinated. And now, just a generation after the fight took place, America has elected it's first black president, Barack Obama. Which in itself has stimulated feelings of hope and optimism - exactly what Ali carried with him as he prepared to take on a titan, exactly what the cheering crowds seemed to feel as Ali claimed victory.

As for Foreman, he seemed short on words and lacking the vivacious personality the crowds of Zaire loved from Ali. The film says Foreman went into a deep depression for two years after the fight; I don't blame him - he wasn't out-fought by Ali, he was out-witted. But he turned that around, and now is the smiling, likable father-figure who's made a fortune selling electric grills (I've got a pink one myself). So this fight was a real turning point for Foreman in many ways it seems, and he must have come out of it a changed man. I didn't see the Academy Awards show where this film won an Oscar, but my husband tells me that Foreman helped his former foe to the stage (Ali has suffered from Parkinsons Disease since the early '80s).

I don't know much about boxing. I really don't like watching guys pummel each other, it never seemed like a sport to me. But now I kind of get it. It's not just about pummeling each other, it's also a match of skills and wits. And boxers have often been men who've overcome the odds and prejudice or poverty, so the audience feels a kinship of sorts, a sense of joining the boxers as they all overcome adversity. I think that's the appeal anyway; as I said, I've never followed boxing or had a good handle on any sports.

But being a boxing fan isn't required to enjoy this movie. It's definitely a must-see just for how well it's done, and for how it's a marvelous period-piece offering a look at a place and time in American history - even if much of the action takes place in Africa.

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FOTC star welcomes baby Sophocles

The adorable Jemaine Clement, one half of my favorite guitar-based digi-bongo a capella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo Flight of the Conchords, is the proud papa of a baby boy named Sophocles. I'm usually against names that might get you beat down on the playground, but this one's pretty cool.

Congrats, Jemaine, and way to prove you really were ready for Business Time.

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Tasty licks

- More sex, anyone? Kim Cattrall reportedly says there will be another Sex and the City movie.

- Now that's what I call an amicable split: Simon Cowell gives ex-girlfriend a $10 million parting gift.

- No she didn't!: Hugh Heffner's Former No. 1 girlfriend says he's high maintenance - and gives a little insight into their sex life.

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Tasty licks (election special)

- Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert guided the nation through election night as only they could. Watch the clips at Indecision 2008.

- Taking it to the blogs - comment on the election: Culture Vulture, Newscoma, Achenblog, Hot off the Trail, DeadlineUSA

- Editorial cartoons offer various takes on Obama's win.

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Bushisms - say what?!

Bush is a great speaker - from a comedy perspective. Yahoo! did a look back at some of the comments that befuddled the nation over the last eight years.

The list included one of my favorite Bushisms:

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - Jan. 27, 2000

Then there's the classic comment:

"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002

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Extra! Read all about it! Obama is front page news - everywhere!

America has a new president today (well, technically we still have the same ol' one, but we know Bush will be moving house come early next year). In honor of the historic election of Barack Obama, let's take a look at how the story is being played on newspaper front pages around the world:

- The Newseum has front pages from across the globe; just select a region to narrow it down.

- Sky News has a gallery of front pages in UK papers. (My fav front here is The Sun, in which Obama sort of looks like the bionic man running toward the headline of "ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND" - it's fun AND informative. The "most lame" award goes to the Daily Star, with the headline "Yanks very much!" in a small corner - the big "news" on the page is a huge picture of a half-naked woman next to the scene-stealing headline "Abbey Clancy in thigh high boots." However, the headline "GOBAMA" in the Daily Mirror is pretty suck-tacular, too.

Know of a front page today that is really good - or really bad? Or have a suggestion for a good site to see a range of newspaper front pages (not the fronts for just one publication)? Share your thoughts and a link in the comments section!

And a little fyi, check the news links today as they may change to new front pages tomorrow. Though I'm pretty sure Obama will still be the dominant topic then, so you'll still have an interesting view of how the same story is presented in different parts of a country or the world.

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Vote, or celebrities will kill you

You may have seen that hip clip that's supposed to make people get out and vote because celebrities told them to. It actually does highlight the issues you may want to address with your vote (though does your vote really address any issues if candidates don't do what they say they will?), but you do start to feel a little condescended to. Nevertheless, the clip is peppered with bits of humor and is worth watching for that alone. But get comfy, 'cause it runs about twice as long as it should. Right around halfway through the nearly five-minute clip, when it starts to get extra pushy, that's when they should've called it quits for sure. I went from feeling a sense of the importance of voting at the beginning, to feeling these famous know-it-alls should f*** off and quit trying to bully me at the end.

I guess I wasn't the only one feeling a bit irked, because as always, some guys on YouTube have an answer to the celeb clip. They don't seem to want to vote just because Rachel and Monica from Friends want them to, the cheeky beggars. And like the original it parodies, it runs twice as long as it should. I thought it was great for the first half, then got bored and wandered off.

But only you can decide what to think about these clips. Don't let me take the decision out of your hands by failing to turn up at the polls, er, I mean the YouTube site, to let your voice be heard. You know, in the comments section under the vids? That's a great way to speak out, and you don't have to stand in any lines on a friggin' cold November day, either. I'm just saying.

Seriously, voting is an honor and a privilege; many people have fought, suffered and even died for that right. Which does add weight to the act of voting, but let's not act like people who don't vote are to blame for all the world's ills and probably kick puppies, too. Do what you feel, go with your heart, and don't take any crap from those loudmouths who say you don't have a right to complain if you didn't vote. 'Cause I'll tell ya right now, you always have a right to complain. And the right to tell them, in the immortal words of Kathy Griffin, that they "can all suck it!".

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