Somewhere out there, some dude clinging to '80s memories of hair bands and Headbangers' Ball actually cares that Guns N' Roses has a new album out. He doesn't mind that GNR as he knew it is now really just Axl Rose (the only remaining original member); he doesn't care that the album took 15 years and $13 million to create yet isn't "the greatest rock album ever made" (what one reviewer said it needed to be to impress after all that time and money); he's not turned off because the rocker that once oozed a dangerous, bad-boy sex appeal (apart from god knows what else he's oozed over the years) now looks like some bloated middle-aged dad who likes to embarrass the kids with a garage band and hairstyle copied from Bo Derek in "10."

Oh no. "Chinese Democracy" breaks like a wave of righteous rock freedom over the lone fan, out there somewhere with his worn-out cassette of "Appetite for Destruction" clutched in a studded leather-gloved hand, bandanna-bound head turned toward the horizon with hope restored in humanity.

I, however, can't relate to this fan. Sure, I remember the thrill of hearing "Welcome to the Jungle" in 1987. I was a teen in a small town, and that song seemed to kick my teeth in and shine into my gaping maw the light of what seemed an immensely harsher, cooler world than anything I'd ever known. That song still rocks, and still evokes images of the video with Axl shaking his skinny ass on stage with the teased-out hair and lipstick of a million anonymous glam rockers, but seeming to have something more to say, something more underneath than any of the rest. It turns out what lay beneath was a big steaming pile of ego, but hey, at least he churned out some hella good music before the stench got overwhelming.

I haven't heard the new album. I'm not overly interested in it and won't be lining up with whatever fans remain to get the album at Best Buy, the sole spot to pick up this would-be masterpiece. Maybe I'll go back and listen to "Appetite for Destruction" and remember the good ol' days, back when Axl was a hot rock star instead of some guy who just doesn't seem as cool as I thought he was when I was in high school.